Why are mothers of babies and toddlers often judged unkindly, and how can you protect yourself?

Despite the many good things humans do for each other, we also live in a society that often, either accidentally or intentionally, judges others harshly. Some of this judgement comes from the way we think about being human in 21st century Western societies.

• There's a belief that we should be improving ourselves as much as we can.

• There's a belief that we should be aiming for an ideal state of mental health, and that we should be trying to get rid of negative thoughts and bad feelings.

• There's a belief that criticising ourselves helps us become better people.

But in fact, life is a lot messier and more painful than anyone warns us, really.

Our society often judges mothers of babies and toddlers. Once, and still in many cultures today, raising a child was done collectively, by an extended family or even the whole community group or village. But these days you are likely to find that you are spending a lot of time alone with your baby or toddler.

You'll find in social media and the media generally, or in advertisements and marketing, that the kind of mother who is held up as normal or desirable might look and behave quite differently to you. You'll probably be flooded with huge amounts of conflicting advice, either online or from your health professionals. You'll find many businesses trying to sell you their products or programs, claiming to be evidence-based.

You might come across lots of accidental and casual unkindnesses, too, as you make your way through the days and nights caring for your baby or toddler. You might encounter direct judgement about the way you look after your baby or toddler from others, even from those you love, which can really hurt.

It's common to see a woman labelled as anxious because she frets about how best to protect her small child’s wellbeing, or because she asks a lot of questions, trying to work out what might be best. A mother's tendency to worry is often judged by well-meaning people around her, which might further convince her that she is inadequate.

But feeling worried is normal when you are caring for a baby or toddler in our society. It's just important to be ready for it, and to have tools for managing it. In this Caring for you collection of articles, I give you what I think are the best, genuinely science-based strategies for protecting your heart, your mind, and your soul as you find your way through.

Humans can behave without empathy because – here’s the crunch – everyone else is just as imperfect as we are. Accidental or casual unkindness is a failure to imagine and care about the inside world of another human being. Although most of us do try to be empathic towards others, encountering others’ incomprehension can be very painful. Some of us are more sensitive to lack of empathy than others, though that sensitivity is not a failing. In fact, I believe it is usually a strength. Our sensitivity does, though, alert us to the need to practice self-compassion.

There can come a time when we need to accept our aloneness in our work or our lives, and accept others’ inability to understand who we are or what we are trying to do, as hard as that is. I think the same is true of caring for your little one. You might find that others around you don't understand or support some of your choices. Although they may care a great deal for you, in a certain sense you might find yourself feeling quite alone sometimes. This can be painful. But how courageous you are as you care for your baby or toddler in a way that aligns with your own unique values!

You don't have to be perfect. But finding your own path through requires a great deal of self-compassion.

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.