Take tiny steps to do the things that matter (even if you don't feel like it) when you have baby or toddler sleep problems

Don't wait until you feel better to make changes!

It's tempting to wait until you feel better before you make the changes that you've decided will help with your baby or toddler sleep problems.

But it's important not to wait until you feel better to start living the life you want to lead. Once you begin taking steps, even little ones, you'll usually start to feel much better anyway.

Sometimes women say to me they really can't make changes, they don't have the strength. Usually the three main changes they hope to make as they explore The Possums Sleep Program are that, along with the baby or toddler, they

• Get out of the house more during the day

• Become more socially engaged, and

• Walk more.

But for primary carers who are exhausted beyond words, and feeling miserable, even getting out of the house can seem overwhelming. On the surface, anyway, it seems easier to stay indoors. You might feel so vulnerable and exposed that you just don't want to be where there are other people who can watch what's going on with you and your little one. Yet as you'll have seen by working through The Possums Sleep Program, staying in the home most days mostly worsens cycles of baby or toddler frustration and distress, and worsens profound parental sleep deprivation and exhaustion.

Sometimes I might ask a woman if she would be happy to do a little exercise together with me, to test the belief that she really can't get out of the house. Together, we say over and over to ourselves, in our minds: "I can't lift my right arm, I can't lift my right arm". Then when I say "go!", the woman and I lift our right arms up anyway, high into the air. This shows us how even though our mind is saying we can't, and even though we really don't feel like it, our bodies - arms, feet, legs - can activate and do the important things that we need to do in our life, step by step.

Start with small, achievable changes, then celebrate a lot when you do them!

You might take a moment to brainstorm right now, either in your head, with someone else, or by making some notes. Practice self-compassion as you do this, because making change like this is not easy.

• Plan out some small steps, one by one, which will take you towards the change you wish to make.

• Work out what days you'll try these things on. You might like to use a weekly schedule which you can find here.

Then celebrate even the tiniest steps that you've taken towards doing things differently! What an achievement!

Some primary carers like to get very active and fill up the days (and evenings) by planning each week in advance. This can work very well for some families. But for others, not asking too much of ourselves works best. Small incremental changes over time gradually teach us that there is a more satisfying way of going about the days, which then helps with the nights. These are specific, achievable little goals.

Here would be some examples.

• Pick your baby or toddler up, or pop them in a pram, stroller or carrier, and walk around the backyard or the block - without preparing in anyway. Choose a distance you can get around even if your little one poos in her nappy, or needs a drink, or pukes. This is getting out of the house in a way that is easy. You could practice this a few times a day, while you get the hang of it!

• Breastfeed or feed your baby or toddler on the deck or in the backyard, if you have one, instead of inside the house (weather permitting!).

• Ask a friend to meet you and your little one somewhere that is not inside your house: a cafe, their place, a park, for a walk.

• Find a new parent group in your locality, and show up.

• Choose something that brings you enjoyment and pleasure, then bring more of it in your life.

If we take steps to make small changes even when we don't feel like it, then over time we tend to feel a lot better anyway. These small steps, along with huge amounts of self-compassion, is how you can transform your life with your baby or toddler.

The information and suggestions in the Caring for you collections within The Possums Sleep Program are not a substitute for health professional support, though I'd still suggest try them out! If you have concerns about your own mental health and wellbeing, please talk this over with your GP.

Recommended resources

Monsters on a boat. Dr Russ Harris

Selected references

Ferster, C. B. (1973). A functional analysis of depression. American Psychologist, 28 (10), 857.

Jacobson, N. S., Dobson, K. S., Truax, P. A., Addis, M. E., Koerner, K., Gollan, J. K., Gortner, E., Prince, S. E. (1996). A component analysis of cognitive-behavioral treatment for depression. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(2), 295-305.

Nikandish Z, Sajjadian I. The effectiveness of behavioral activation therapy on the symptoms of depression, rumination, and social-occupational functioning impairment among women with postpartum depression. Journal of Education and Health Promotion. 2024;13(17):doi: 10.4103/jehp.jehp_1783_4122.

Yisma E, Walsh S, Steen M. Effect of Behavioral Activation for women with postnatal depression: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Nursing Reports. 2024;14:78-88.

Other recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.