How to manage evenings with your baby when you're just too tired or don't have help?

Evenings are often the hardest time of day when you have a baby, and more so if you're doing evenings on your own

Are you one of those heroic women who find themselves alone in the evening, the only one responsible for your baby - after a long day in which you’ve also been entirely responsible for caring for the baby? Or you may be a parent, a father or a carer of non-binary gender, equally heroic, who finds yourself alone with your baby most evenings.

This could be for many reasons. Sometimes it's because you're an autonomous parent, often by choice, also often not by choice. Sometimes your baby’s other parent is away performing paid work. Sometimes your partner is in the house performing paid work or studying, and not available to help. Maybe you have older children, too. But here you are, parenting with minimal or no support.

A few words for autonomous parents

There are many ways of being an autonomous parent. Here, I'm thinking of the situation where most of the time you don’t have a partner or close relative or friend living with you who is committed to participating in childcare, even if you have a partner or close relatives involved in your child’s life otherwise.

Evenings with a baby can be hard at the best of times, and are often particularly challenging when you're an autonomous parent. It’s normal to face an evening alone with a baby with a certain kind of dread – of the boredom, the exhaustion, the loneliness. (If you have more than one child in your care, the exhaustion can be even worse.) The practice of self-compassion for these feelings is vital. Aiming for workability as you care for your little one, rather than for perfection, is also vital.

As I write this, I imagine wrapping you in special kindness and care, because I know how hard it can be in the evenings, regardless of how we have come to be an autonomous parent. What I can say, though it seems scant comfort, is that this really is just one season in your and your family's life, which will pass. Your baby will eventually have earlier bedtimes as she grows and drops daytime naps, and you’ll have more time to yourself in the evenings again, and you won't always be so tired.

I invite you to read all the pages in The Possums Sleep Program which are about Caring for you.

You might decide to start the day very early

Many parents who find themselves doing evenings alone a lot of the time are happier overall if they start the day very early. Getting up very early is more likely to result in an earlier bedtime in the evening (though bedtime does also depend on your baby’s unique sleep needs and sleep pressure), which often helps the evenings feel less burdensome.

You might try experimenting with very early starts, even before the sun rises (depending on where you live). You could make it five o'clock in the morning, let's say - or the earliest possible time that suits you. It does need to be at a regular time, though, morning after morning, to keep baby’s body clock well-aligned.

It can be comforting to know you'll have contact with other human beings just as soon as you step outside the house, even if the sun is just rising. If you live in a town or city, you might take your baby out at dawn to watch all those joggers, bike riders, or exercisers of various types who inhabit the parks and streets early mornings. You'll be able to greet other weary parents of babies who might also be heading towards the nearest place which sells a coffee at that time of day. If you live in the country, are there ways you can arrange to be in the vicinity of other people who start their work and activities early?

Seriously early starts can be a lot easier than facing very long evenings alone in the house with a baby. It's something to experiment with, anyway.

You might decide to plan your weekly schedule in advance so that you have social contact some or most evenings

Is your baby the only child you are caring for, and you're often or always alone together in the evenings? Can you plan to join evening community activities, bringing baby with you? Can you take baby to a community choir, to give one example, where you can breastfeed and care for your baby at the same time as you sing? Other people are usually generous, interested and supportive when a woman is out on her own with a baby. (Don't pay attention to those who aren't!) You could get creative about the activities you might try out in the evenings.

Or, as a back-up when you don't have anything else in mind, could you go down to a local cafe, where your baby will love to watch other families and you won't have to work quite so hard to entertain him in the evening?

You might organise to meet with friends late afternoons and evenings, when you're feeling more vulnerable, rather than in the mornings when you're feeling more resilient. Consider asking relatives to visit, or bring in domestic help or babysitting if you can afford it, at the end of the day rather than at the beginning.

If you're caring for older children as well as your baby in the evening without support, there may be homework considerations and also the earlier, more regular bedtime needs of older children who are at kindy or school and don't nap during the day. The older children, just by being their noisy, lively selves, provide rich sensory motor nourishment for the baby. Bringing baby into the middle of all this usually works best. Baby's bedtime may well be later than the older children's.

You can find a weekly planning sheet here. You can find other ideas for evening sensory motor nourishment are here.

Practicing self-compassion can make all the difference!

If you are an autonomous parent or carer who spends long periods alone with your baby in the evening, you may find a gap has emerged between what you’d imagined you’d be able to do as you cared for your baby, and what your body and soul are actually able to do. It helps to remind yourself, over and over, that

• Caring for baby is about workability, not perfection, and that compromise around a whole lot of things is likely to be necessary, as you get through

• Caring for yourself is caring for your baby

• A few strategies for managing difficult thoughts and feelings build resilience, not just now but for the rest of your life

• Being alone with baby in the evenings is a terrific opportunity to practice becoming a self-compassion ninja!