Would it help your toddler's sleep to delay or space out breastfeeding in the night?

Does your toddler seem to be breastfeeding all night? The sleep deprivation can be unbearable. Are you wondering if spacing out the breastfeeds might help? You could even be experimenting with this right now, trying not to offer the breast every time your small child wakes, hoping desperately to make the nights work better. You might be wondering if you should wean.

It can be helpful to know that

• Excessive night waking is different to biologically normal night waking in toddlers. A pattern of excessive night waking is typically caused by disruptions to your toddler's circadian or body clock settings. It's not caused by the breastfeeding, despite what you might have heard.

• Your toddler isn't waking excessively in the night because you breastfeed her frequently and flexibly. But she has learnt that when she wakes, the most lovely way to go back to sleep is with the breast. This is not a bad habit - it's a gift you've given her!

• A reset of your toddler's body clock is required. If you work through The Possums Sleep Program, I would expect your toddler to return to developmentally normal, more manageable night waking within a couple of weeks.

• Instead of receiving help for the true underlying problem with your toddler's body clock settings, you might receive a lot of conflicting advice when your breastfeeding child wakes excessively at nights. This advice, which I look at in the table below, doesn't make things better and can even make sleep worse for you and your family.

You might be thinking about weaning your toddler at night gradually, by offering the breast only when he seems to really need it. We are constantly shaping our little ones' behaviours, checking out what they seem able to cope with, what they're not ready for yet. The older the breastfed child, the more the breastfeeding mother may already be waiting in the night to see if a feed is really necessary. This is normal! You're communicating to an older child that it's night-time and you're wanting to sleep! However, you know your little one best.

Delaying offers of the breast in the night, or only offering the breast on every second wake as you might sometimes be advised, can make sleep worse. Here's why.

Common advice about breastfeeding and sleep	Why this advice doesn't help
Your toddler can't be hungry, because she has just fed.	In the Possums or NDC programs, a toddler's biological needs are thought of as having two categories, the need for milk or food, and the need for richer sensory motor experience. In the night, a breastfeed meets both needs and it doesn't help to try to tease them apart. Of course, if your toddler is no longer taking milk in the night, then a cuddle provides the kind of sensory experience she needs in the night. Your toddler has learnt the good habit of trusting that you will respond to her. If she is waking excessively as a pattern, then the real problem is her body clock settings, not the breastfeeding.
Your toddler is using you as a dummy or pacifier.	It can definitely feel as if your toddler is using you as a dummy or pacifier and breastfeeding all night, if he's waking excessively! He dials up when he wakes, wanting the sensory motor comfort of suckling in the night, because his sleep pressure isn't high enough and he can't get back into a block of deeper sleep. The real problem is his body clock, which requires a reset. Once his two sleep regulators are in sync, breastfeeding back to sleep makes life with toddler as easy as possible, for as long as you remain happy to breastfeed.
Your toddler wakes so much at nights because she has developed the bad habit of having a breastfeed whenever she wants it. You have made a rod for your own back.	See the two boxes above.
You need to stop responding to her grizzles and cries in the night with a breastfeed. Try soothing her with patting or shushing or a cuddle.	Delaying your responses or responding but not in the way you know your toddler really wants is, in psychology-speak, a form of graduated extinction, also known as sleep training. Sometimes people call very gradual extinction methods 'gentle and responsive', but they are still on the spectrum of sleep training approaches. Delaying responses can result in your toddler dialling up quickly as soon as he wakes, because he doesn't know if or when he might receive a cuddle and breastfeed. Waking becomes habitually linked with feeling upset. That is, your toddler might develop a conditioned dialling up, associated with waking in the night. Parents often describe this as the little one waking and going "straight from 0 to 100".
Only offer the breast every second time she wakes. Otherwise soothe her with patting or shushing or a cuddle.	As in the box above.
Only offer the breast at certain times in the night, for example, at midnight and at three o'clock in the morning. Otherwise soothe her with patting or shushing or a cuddle.	As in the box above.
Offer the breast when she wakes, but then take the breast and nipple out of her mouth as soon as she seems to be drowsy, so that she learns to go to sleep without suckling on the breast.	As in the box above.
Delay for as long as you can, and only offer her the breast if she really won't settle. Try to soothe her first with calling out, or patting, or shushing, or a cuddle.	As in the box above.
Consider weaning, as she no longer needs milk in the night.	Women breastfeed their baby back to sleep in the night for many reasons. As your little one grows into toddlerhood or even into the preschool years, the amount of milk your child receives in the night is less and less important. For those women who choose to continue with breastfeeding, it can make the nights easiest, since it is normal for toddlers to wake in the night. Every breastfeeding woman makes her own decision about what's right for her, her child, and her family.

Recommended resources

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